Merry Christmas, Yo!

Thanks to Mel, you're about to find out more about my Christmas rituals than you ever wanted to know!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Toddies.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa sits on the sofa, drinking Hot Toddies as he watches Mrs. Clause wrapping presents. He sometimes spanks her when she doesn't tie a bow exactly just so.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colors, colors and more colors! I also like like lights shaped like cowboy boots and chili peppers.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope, too dangerous. I see it and I can’t control myself. I just kiss anybody standing under it and it scares people. Especially the elderly.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I never take them down.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Cosmopolitans. What? They’re colorful and festive!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: The day I discovered Chex-Mix. What? It goes awesome with Cosmopolitans!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I never believed in Santa. Only Jesus.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes Yes Yes! All of them!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Well, I sit on the sofa (drinking Cosmopolitans and eating Chex-Mix) while I direct my husband as to the correct placement of every ornament.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it. I can write my name in it.

12. Can you ice skate? I can ice-maul very well, so watch out!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? One year my father gave me an IOU for a jewelry box. If he had actually ever given me the jewelry box I'm sure it would have been my favorite present ever.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Christmas Eve. I love to sit there looking at the tree, feeling all peaceful and listening to Christmas music. It’s the most special night of the year.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Cosmopolitans.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Opening presents.

17. What tops your tree? Me! (I mean when I get drunk singing Karaoke and fall into it. Sadly, it’s happened. It’s an event I like to call Tree Diving.)

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Duh! It’s all about me!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt. I mean, who can resist these lyrics?

Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques,
Sign your x on the line

A platinum mine and a duplex? How random in that? Oh, and I have always loved Christmas Is by Run DMC.

Give up your dough!
Give up your dough!
Give up your dough on Christmas, Yo!


20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yummy!


Okay, Ellen, Meg and Robin. Consider yourselves tagged.

Naïve Melody

By the time I turned ten my family (my mother, my brother and me) had lived in 25 houses, not including the time we spent actually living out of a VW van, or in campgrounds. Then, when I was in fifth grade, we moved from Humboldt County to the Bay Area and for the next seven years we lived in one house. For us, it was a record length of time.

I moved one more time with my mother, when she rented a house in a nearby community. It was, by far, the nicest house we had ever lived in, and in a great neighborhood. No more stop sign just outside our door. We had a TV room. We had a spare bedroom. We got a dog. I was seventeen and I thought we’d be there forever.

Then my mother passed away. Her death was unexpected and abrupt and suddenly I was 17 and being kicked out of my house. I was moving again.

Over the next ten years I moved at least twice every year. Then my husband somehow coerced me into moving to Nevada. He promised it would only be for 3 years, and I was counting every minute. After we signed the offer for the Nevada house I cried the entire four hour car ride back home to the Bay Area, and when we moved into the house 30 days later I cried every day of the entire first year I lived here.

I hated it. I hated the snow, I hated the bad art, I hated the fact that there were no bookstores anywhere, and I hated the food. I’m from a place where any cuisine that strikes your fancy is just a short jaunt away, and it’s probably cheap, too. Not so in Nevada.

And the culture, or more accurately lack thereof. I have a degree in Creative Arts—basically cultural studies, and to suddenly be without any museums, theatre or even a place to catch an independent movie was simply torture for me.

We moved here in October, when winter starts in the Sierras, and I didn’t see another person for six months.

And, worst of all, there were no bookstores. Not one.

So, during the first years we lived here, I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say I was either traveling elsewhere or crying at home.

What’s the point to all this whining? Well, I had a realization at around two a.m. this morning. Here it is:

I’ve lived my entire life in an indeterminate state—in some kind of holding pattern until the next place. And sometimes that place wasn’t even a house. Twice we sold all our possessions and went traveling. I’ve always tended to feel more at home living out of a suitcase than a closet.

But something happened while I wasn’t looking. I changed.

The three years turned into seven. My suitcase gets taken out of the closet less and less. San Francisco seems less like utopia and more like suburbia. I think my neighbors are awesome. I’ve met some amazing people who are more like family than friends, and they all live less than 15 minutes away. I’m part of a community.

We’ve had our house for sale because that’s what I wanted, right? To move back to civilization? To go somewhere new and different? To live out of a suitcase.

But I’m not sure I want those things anymore. I’m sick of living in limbo. For the first time ever, I want to move into a house without an occupancy end date. I want a home, a place to raise the kid. And you know what else? Maybe I’m being naïve, maybe I’ll want to sell everything and travel the world next year, but right now I want to stay in Nevada.

This must be the place.

I’ve had this Talking Heads tune stuck in my head for days. You can go take a listen on Itunes, but I think the lyrics stand nicely on their own.

This Must be the Place (Naive Melody) Lyrics

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Stuff, stuff and more stuff. I want to snuff my stuff.

All I'm doing is looking around my house and thinking about all the crap I have to start packing. Ug. How can two people and a kid have so much stuff? It's just scary.

The worst part is I can't even think about writing. Actually, I've been thinking about it, just not doing it. Packing and writing is simply to much for my brain to handle during the same month.

Anyone out there manage to keep writing during a move? If so, give some advice not including vodka or Xanax. Those don't seem to be helping at all.

Gobble Gobble Gone

1) What was your favorite sidedish?
2) Do you eat everything together on one forkful, or in seperate bites?
3 Did you have to change into sweats after dinner?
4) What time did you start drinking cocktails?

I'll start.

1) Stuffing
2) Together
3) Yes
4) 2:00 PM (Bloody Marys)

Or, just share something interesting about your Thanksgiving. I'm listening.

Sniff. We're moving.

This is what I posted at Romance Divas about moving.

Our house has been for sale for nearly a year and I was in denial that it would ever sell. But today we are now officially in escrow. And guess when the closing date is?

December 26th.

So, I’ll be moving on Christmas.

I feel so sad and panicky. I love this house. I’ve lived here longer than anywhere else. But with two adults who work at home and a toddler, it just isn’t working for us anymore.

The other thing that’s freaking me out is that we have nowhere to go. Our plan is to build a house, but we don’t know where, and we will be staying with the in-laws in the meantime. They live in San Luis Obispo, so that means I’ll be far away from my friends.

Suddenly I’m looking around my house and thinking about packing, and how much stuff we have. I’m getting my house ready for Thanksgiving and thinking that this will be the last time I host a dinner party in this dining room.

On the other hand, I will not miss my miniscule refrigerator that can barely accommodate my 20 pound turkey.

Mixed emotions-that’s what I’m full of. There’s a good chance that, when we move, we won’t be back. I don’t know. I know we won’t be settled again for a couple of years.

Any advice on how to deal?

Are noble and moronic synonyms? House says they are.

Who watched the AMAs last night? I switched between that and House. I thought Gwen Stefani channeled Missing Persons meets yodelers and House was one of the best episodes ever. What did you think?

Oh, is Jenna Elfman back? Is Weird Al cool?

Oh, and it seems we're moving. We have to be out by December 26th. Merry Christmas, now pack.

Oh, am I the only one who wants to live in an Old Navy commercial?

It's five o'clock somewhere!

I had a wonderful weekend in Pebble Beach. The lovely Jenny laugh-and-the-world-laughs with-you invited me to her house and I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for arranging an amazing getaway. Really, there's just nothing more relaxing than a few days without any schedule whatsoever, and, thanks to Jenny, that's exactly what we got.

We did manage to get our asses out of bed long enough to accomplish a few things. Like shopping. Actually, I can't really say what Jenn whatever-kills-you-makes-you-stronger does is shopping. Let's just say if shopping was an Olympic event she'd have a gold medal. And then she would murder the girls who won the silver and the bronze, so she'd have those, too. The girl bought a paper mache dog that has a clock for a face. She swears it's for her mother-in-law, but I have my doubts. I think it's part of some kinky sex thing but I don't like to ask questions.

In between shopping and eating I and Carrie what's-the-worse-thing-that-could-happen went for a bike-ride on the 17 Mile Drive. Sigh. I truly wish I could do that every day. We biked a few miles, stopped and looked at the ocean. Biked a few more miles, stopped and looked at the seals. I grew up on the beaches of California, but this was the first time I've biked any length of it. Truly, a wonderful way to experience this amazing coastline. I wish I could do it every day. Did I say that already?

One day all my friends went to the spa. Since the spa at Pebble Beach is slightly out of my budget, I decided to walk to the ocean and hang out there for the afternoon by myself. Don't feel too sorry for me. With my sweater as a blanket and my messenger bag as a pillow, I plopped down on the sand and didn't get up for three hours. I didn't read, I didn't write. I think I fell asleep. I listened to the ocean and smelled the kelp and thought about how lucky I was to be inhaling sea air instead of nail polish.

Yes, the days were perfectly respectable.

And then it was dark.


On Friday night we went out to dinner. It started out innocently enough (see photo above), but soon progressed into:


dancing on the tables.

The next night we had a very civilized cocktail at the lounge at Spanish Bay.



See the bagpiper?

After dinner we found ourselves at the bar. I was trying to persuade Jen to sing with me on the table. Sadly, there was no music, so she was hesitant.


The other Jenny, not so much.



What else can I say? We were moms gone a little wild. Oh, we spent a lot of the weekend coming up with our personal mottos. We each thought of several that varied with our level of intoxication. I know one of mine was “I'm a motto whore.” But can that really be a motto? I better have a glass of wine and think about it.

Here's Lillian it's-five-o'clock-somewhere signing off.

Moms Gone (Wild) to Pebble Beach

During the day I'll be here, writing:




And at night I'll be having a cocktail at Spanish Bay, enjoying a Martini while listening to him:




Make sure to stop by the blog and tell me what you're up to. I'll have fun reading all about it Sunday nght. Have a great weekend, trashy peeps!

Having trouble writing? Go eat something!

Last night while I was muddling through my NANO book, my brain started slowing down like a vibrator with low batteries. The words just came slower, and slower, until. . . they. . . just. . . stopped.

Kaput.

Luckily I wasn’t very excited about what I was writing, so the frustration wasn’t nearly as severe as in real life when my battery goes belly up. I simply pushed myself out of my chair, wandered out of my office, down the hallway, and around the corner until I found myself standing in front of the refrigerator.

I opened the door. I told myself to get back to writing. Having consumed a fairly decent meal only hours earlier, I can’t say I was starving, but I didn’t walk away. Instead I poked around trying to find something decent, like carrots or celery or fat-free jello.

Then I saw the syrup. That’s right, syrup. Pure, thick, maple goodness, just waiting for me to pour it over something. Like waffles!

Mmm. Yummy.

Oh, I guess I should confess that I also spread a vat of peanut butter on the waffles before smothering the entire thing in syrup and consuming my creation in front of my computer while I played this evil game.

Do you wander to the refrigerator when you’re stumped? If food’s not your thing, what do you do instead?

Mogan David's Extra Heavy Malaga Wine

This weekend I was thinking about the movie A New Leaf. Have you seen it? It’s hard to find and while there are rumors of it being released on DVD, you can’t find it on Netflix or anywhere like that, which is too bad because it’s one of the funniest romantic comedies ever and I’d love to add it to my collection.

From Wiki:

“Henry Graham (Walter Matthau) is a man with a problem: he has run through his entire inheritance, and is completely unequipped to provide for himself. His childhood guardian, Uncle Harry (a deliciously mean-spirited James Coco), refuses to give him a dime, and Henry, completely unwilling to exercise the only solution he sees--suicide-- devises a plan with the help of his imaginative butler Harold (George Rose): he can make money the old-fashioned way--he can marry it.

Henry has six weeks to find a bride, marry her, and repay the money, or else he must forfeit all his property to his uncle. With only days remaining, Henry meets clumsy, painfully shy heiress Henrietta Lowell (Elaine May). She's the answer to his prayers, though Henry has to overcome Uncle Harry, Henrietta's lawyer, and his own distaste for marriage. He considers the latter to be a temporary inconvenience however, since he plans to do away with his wife as soon as possible.”

It was written and directed by Elaine May, and she also stars as the heroine. May is definitely one of my idols. This movie was both her writing and directorial debut, and what am amazing debut it was—in my opinion one of the best screwball comedies ever written. Take Henry for example. What an asshole he is, and yet you love him, despite the fact that he spends the majority of the movie trying to kill Henrietta (isn’t it funny that they have the same name? For some reason you hardly notice it in the movie). And Henritta is adorable-you just love her. She’s brilliant and clumsy and always has tags hanging off her clothes. Whenever she leaves the house Henry’s butler asks in his very proper English accent, “Did you check her for crumbs, sir?” My husband often imitates this line when he's, um, checking me over for crumbs.

Henry is a great character to study. He is the ultimate hero you love to hate and it’s so fun to see him redeem himself at the end.

But the real reason I was thinking about A New Leaf is Mogan David’s Extra Heavy Malaga Wine. You see, in the movie, this is Henrietta’s favorite drink, and while I was re-writing the opening paragraph for my WIP, the Mogan David just flowed freely, if you will, into my scene. Here it is:

Once upon a time there lived a girl who knew all men were swine. She suspected this fact from the moment Jimmy Finklestein pushed her into a puddle the first day of kindergarten, and by the morning after her ninth birthday, when she awoke to discover her father had magically turned her brand-new Atari into two bottles of Mogan David Extra Heavy Malaga Wine, she was utterly certain.

All men were swine.

Isn't if funny the little things that inspire you to write?

I cannot go to write today. . .

"Sick"
By Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"


Have a wonderful weekend, trashy peeps!

Fabio Friday!

Here's the video from ANTM where they shot the romance novel covers. Tell me what you think!

Click here for a look at a few of the final covers.

ANTM - Cycle 7 - Episode 6 - Part 3

Who would you bet on?

VS

So, I was out for a delightful bike ride a couple of days ago (yes, that actually is my lovely bike, isn't she pretty?), enjoying an unusually warm November day, when a sparkly clean Dodge zipped past me, almost running me into a rocky ditch. I don’t take kindly to these types of drive-bys, but there’s not much one can do when one is riding a simple bicycle and the opponent is driving an oversized, gas-guzzling, forest green monster.

Imagine my surprise when I realized said vehicle was being driven by one of my friends.

The bitch didn’t even stop.

She didn’t even know it was me until I called her and gave her a piece of my mind. I would have expected a little remorse out of her, but no.

Can you believe that? Do you have any friends that are totally oblivious drivers? Or, God forbid, are YOU?

Where is my mind?

First of all, Shelli has a great blog over at The Novelty Girls about virtual friends, so go check it out!

Right, so, Eva tagged me to blog about five truths. I’ve been thinking about it for days, waiting for some amazing little tidbits to come to mind so I could, in turn, share them with you.

Yeah. I’ll make sure and let you know when that happens. Until then, here’s some randomness that fluttered through my mind while I was on a bikeride earlier today (and don’t think I stopped at five).

1) When you’re biking, wool is way better than synthetic material!
2) When you travel, all you really need are your kids, your passport and your credit card.
3) The Pixies are the best band ever!
4) Being barfed on by your kid is truly disgusting and comes without warning.
5) Forget that “there’s always someone richer/skinnier/smarter” crap. What really sucks is there will always be someone happier than you (usually with less stuff than you have) and that’s the real pisser.
6) It’s not a vacation if it’s less than 17 days.
7) Mothers are not immune to death.
8) That gap commercial with Audrey Hepburn dancing to AC/DC music is an affront to mankind and whoever came up with the idea should be severely punished.
9) Harrison Ford used to be so freakin’ sexy.
10) Why can we still not put metal in the microwave?
11) Harold and Maude is the most romantic ever!
12) The internet is the new water cooler.
13) Hmm. You tell me what number thirteen is.

Zero (writing ) Effect

Today I am going to talk about the detective movie Zero Effect, starring Bill Pullman and Ben Stiller. In case you haven’t seen the film, here’s a blurb taken from Wikpedia:

Zero (Bill Pullman), a brilliant but reclusive private detective for hire, traditionally works from afar with Arlo (Ben Stiller) as his representative in the field. Socially awkward and inept (but extraordinarily confident in his deductive abilities), Zero keeps himself locked in his apartment, where he composes awful songs on his guitar and subsists on a diet of tuna, Tab, and amphetamines.

This is an awesome movie—Bill Pullman is great and it has a fantastic soundtrack—and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. One of the reasons is because there are some amazing quotes, such as:

“Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them.”

Isn’t that great advice for writing?

I don’t know about you, but whenever I sit down with one specific idea in my head of how a scene should go, it inevitably doesn’t come to fruition anything like how I imagined it would, and I get frustrated because it’s so hard for me to give up on my original idea. So, I sometimes think about what Zero the detective said, and start looking for all the other things that could take place in the scene. And there are millions. Millions of variations on any event, invisible yet right there in front of me, and the only way to find that one thing that will take my story where it needs to go is to remember Zero’s advice: When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good.

Over the weekend, I was having some serious issues with my current WIP. It didn’t want to go. After many hours of trying to force a scene to work, I gave up and just started writing about anything at all. The scene’s not amazing, but it’s better.

Right. I also love this movie because I identify with several of Zero's quirky traits:

1) I’ve turned into a recluse
2) I compose awful poetry
3) I become more socially inept every day
4) I have more friends online than in the real world
5) I exist on canned tuna, coffee and wine

I love the part when Zero leaves his apartment for the first time in months—I know the feeling. Sometimes I’m home for days at a time, and when I finally do get out I’m easily overwhelmed. It’s bright outside, and people dress badly. And nobody seems nearly as interested in discussing romance novels as my online friends. What’s wrong with them?

Well, what do you think? Talk amongst yourselves.

All about me!

Mel, the B., tagged me, so here goes:

1) I grew up in Humbolt County in a commune. For the longest time I thought campgrounds and outhouses were normal living arrangements. To this day I don’t understand people’s fascination with camping.

2) In high school I was a bad girl and I dated the king of the stoners. He had a bitchen’ green Camaro and really pretty hair. The whole time we were together I had the biggest secret crush on the star of the football team who dated my nemesis, the head cheerleader. I still loathe her and her perky little breasts. Anyway, I married the stoner when I was 19 and it lasted 6 whole months. I think about the football star way more than my ex.

3) I cannot watch just one Star Wars movie at a time. I must watch them all in sequence in one sitting. Same with the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice.

4) I have the most amazing group of friends and they are my family.

5) I’ve never had a crush on Brad Pitt. I think he’s a girlie-man. I’d rather go on a date with Nacho Libre.

Oh, and, I’m tagging Shelli, Emma, Meg, Amanda and Karen.

I'm still working on those 5 truths. . .

It's Fabio Friday!

Finally! I found the pictures and quotes from last week's America's Next Top Model! I think they did a great job.



NIGEL: As a long shot this is fantastic ... I'm still getting a such a pageant feel from Brooke.
MISS J: You don't have any expression in your eyes, any expression in your face -- nowhere.
TWIGGY: I love that you're frowning. It's lovely you got into the story.




TYRA: Oh no you didn't ... Whatever you were thinking when I shot you, you've got to bring that ... (RE: Eugena's attitude) Be likable because right now you're not likable ... You don't see what you're giving off. Have manners.
NIGEL: This shot works as a long shot because you've got a great body. It's a nice picture. As a close-up, I don't believe anything in your eyes ... She's got to work on that attitude. Honey, get with the program.




MELROSE - Madam in a Brothel

Judges' comments:

TYRA: This is an obvious sexuality. This is easy. You know how to do this. Work on the other stuff.
NIGEL: I think this is the best shot of the bunch.




ANCHAL - Egyptian Queen

Judges' comments:

TYRA: It still got a little hoochie for me. You've got to learn to back the booty up, but not make it hoochie ... make it fashion ... Until now, all we've seen in your photos is your self-doubt. So you need to bring this confidence not just this week, but every week.
ELITE MODEL MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR CATHY GOULD: I think she's in control of him, and I think that's a big accomplishment for a young model.



AMANDA - Leaving Her Man for Another Woman

Judges' comments:

NIGEL: Amanda has risen now. I think this is her defining moment.
TWIGGY: Your innocence in this to me is very sexy. You little hussy. (discovers Amanda's romance plot) You double little hussy.

So, what do you think? I like Melrose the best. Which one's your favorite?

Finally! My pictures!

Okay, I know you were dying to see my pictures from Halloween, so here they are!

Here's me and the little guy (I mean Buzz).



Buzz had more fun in the bathroom than the party. Why do little boys think bathrooms are so much fun? All I know is that changing the diaper of a kid in a vinyl Buzz Lightyear costume is a huge pain in the ass.



Here's Mr. Manroot scaring the crap out little Feisty (hence the diaper change mentioned above).



Me and Scary Carrie.





So, I had a lovely Halloween. But, boy, was I tired at the end of the night. How 'bout you? Did you have a nice Halloween? How much candy did you eat?

NANO starts today!

Okay. In case you haven't noticed I haven't blogged much about writing lately. Well, that's because I've been a very naughty writer over the past couple of weeks. I've been experiencing major writer's block. Ironically, it's since I've made my first sale that it's been so hard to write. I wonder if I've set a new standard for myself since now I know that I do have it in me to be published. If this is the case, it's not a good thing. It's taken me ten years to allow myself to write something awful and keep going, and, for me at least, that's the key to finishing a manuscript.

Anyway, I signed up to do NANO. I'm just gonna go for it and force myself to keep writing no matter how bad it is. And it's gonna be godawful. I've decided to post some of the really abysmal stuff, just so you can point and laugh at me.

What about you guys? Have you been good little writers? How do you get over writer's block?

Update: I met my 2,000 word goal for today! Yay me!